husband

March 26, 2012

not always

I saw someone at church today

whom I haven’t seen in years

from opposites ends of the hallway

we met in the middle

as I drew within earshot

he said of me, ”She’s always smiling.”

I shook me head “no”

and said aloud, “not always”

he stated, “It’s not your husband with cancer.”

I countered with, “Yes. It is.”

him: “It’s pretty bad. Isn’t it?!”

me: “Stage 4. Two surgeries. Chemo now.”

him: “Is he bedridden?”

me: “Last summer for awhile,

with chemo and radiation simultaneously.

Workin’ light duty at a desk right now.”

him: “We’ve been praying, but we’ll pray harder”

me: “Thank you.

We know that’s what’s gettin’ us through.”

then we parted ways

he and his wife went one way

I went another

they are headed back to Michigan

to the church he’s senior pastor of

it was good to see him

on this Sunday morn

March 18, 2012 Image

it was a be-a-u-ti-ful day today
amazingly so
we can’t quite believe the unseasonably warm,
lack of bone chilling wind,
sunshine not rain,
daffodil bloom filled days
it is only mid March
and it feels like May
amazing, remarkable, wonderful
and I’m sure not complaining
I spent the afternoon outdoors
visiting with a friend
she is also my husband’s sister
bonus
the dogs were there too
hers and mine
they ran free
no leashes needed at the farm
we lay in the grass
sat up some too
walked when needed
sometimes in sun
sometimes in shade
always under the blue sky above
with white puffy clouds
the happy kind
and air warm enough
we were just in shirt sleeves
everyone is going to sleep well tonight
yes, it was a be-a-u-ti-ful day

March 5, 2012 Image

standing in the kitchen
sunshine on my face
listening to the sounds of quiet
hum of the fridge
tick of the clock
tap of my fingers on the keys
motors filter in
from outside
children at school
husband at work
4am dog taking a morning nap
upstairs cat is just that
out of sight and earshot
time to think
space to do
in quiet if I so choose
it must be Monday morning
thank goodness

March 4, 2012 Image

Yesterday I wrote on my electronic reminder list, “Do the damn dishes. Every last one.”
I didn’t take a BEFORE picture.
Too embarrassing.
But here is my PROVING IT photograph.
The picture I took before clicking, “Done”, moving my e-reminder from unfinished business to COMPLETED.
Until breakfast tomorrow.
Or drinks in the night.
I’m out numbered you know.
Just savoring this moment.
While it lasts.
The dishwasher is running.
Thankful for that too.
Always.
My husband even said, “The sink looks nice.”
Damn straight it does.
It’s empty.
Hallelujah the dishes are DONE.
(For now.)

January 21, 2012 Image

my sweet husband surprised me with flowers today
for no reason other than, “We haven’t had any flowers for awhile.”
our oldest son helped pick them out
making them even more special
they are in water now
dressing up the edge of the kitchen sink
which is empty of dirty dishes I’ll have you know
it’s been a nice day here
a good day
a family day
filled with a whole lot of normal
we needed that
this was a no chemo week
the calm before the storm
of nausea,
weakness,
fatigue,
and cold sensitivity
hardest on the flower buying man who endures it
not easy for the rest of us either
we hurt when he hurts
we want to make it better
we all just have to go through it though
to get to the other side
the side with no more cancer
for that is the hope
to get it all
for the cancer to never return
for him to be cured
that day will come
I am sure of it
until then we’re living and loving
one day at a time
and today is extra special
because he bought me flowers
and yes, I’m still smiling

January 12, 2012

puppy love

Sometimes Hope comes wrapped in tan and black fur, with floppy ears, a big lolling tongue, a long wagging tail and the name, Blue. 

We bought our first dog yesterday.
A 14 week old German Shepherd puppy.
My husband has wanted a German Shepherd since before we were married. 
That’s been over 14 1/2 years ago now. 
We needed something happy and hopeful.
A dog is both. 
He helps us look past May, when the chemo treatments end. 
He helps us think about the day that my husband is done with all these doctors and surgeries and make plans for a cancer free future.
We just knew he was our dog. 
From a google search my husband did on Monday, and the pictures of him playing with a kitten that were e-mailed to us later that day. 
A brief talk with the breeder on Tuesday to set up the appointment to meet him on Saturday. 
Thankful for a second call on Friday, before someone else came to meet him Friday afternoon. 
Gave us a chance to put a deposit down, to say aloud and with certainty, he’s going to be our dog. 
A visit with my parents, grandfather and cousins on Friday night and Saturday morning in Southern Illinois. 
Then on to meet our dog and bring him home. 
Oh, how we love him. 
He fits into our family just right. 
Keeping us all more on the go, more unplugged and more together, than we’ve been of late. 
My husband is talking about renaming him. 
The boys and I agree though, that Blue is just right too. 
Today is Day 2. 
So far so good.
Thank you for sharing our happy news. 
We are kicking off 2012 with Hope, and will be busy loving and chasing and training our new dog, Blue. 
Thank you for your continued prayers, as my husband gets hooked up to his third round of chemo on Tuesday. 
Unhooked on Thursday, which is when the nausea usually hits the hardest. 
We’ll keep in touch…and share puppy pictures too. 
Oh, he’s super great and wonderful and pretty as can be, handsome actually, as he’s a boy dog. 
The girls are getting more outnumbered all the time. 
One mom and one girl cat, who is Not Amused. 
One dad, two sons and one boy dog, our newest addition. 
Love,
Janean
P.S. We are so keeping his name…if I get to add any weight to my vote at all…and because I’m trouble enough to try to get you on my side to keep it as is. Happy Sunday! We’ve played all morning with our puppy and he’s sleeping in his kennel with the door open, in time for us to go to church in about 30 minutes. We’re going with a smile, always. But today’s is a little brighter, due to Puppy Love. 
NOTE: I originally posted this on Sunday, January 8, 2012, the day after we brought Blue home, on my husband’s Caring Bridge page. I’m posting it here today to explain where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing instead of Tumblr-ing. I’m A Dog Mom now. A Puppy Mom to be specific. We’re going for walks, playing with his rope toy AND doing the things that need done to take care of my family and household. Still figuring out how to do all that and write too…hoping to figure it out SOON.