nighttime bliss


I’m sitting on the front porch steps. Blue is happily belly in the grass. The night is quiet, other than crickets and some faraway traffic sounds. There is a light breeze. Fireflies blinking. I want to stay in this moment. I’m lingering as long as I can. [9:00pm]

July 10, 2016

routine maintenance

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The firefighters just flushed the hydrant in front of my house
Little unexpected excitement
Blue heard Jake barking while they did the hydrant around the corner
We had to go investigate
Saw the water spraying but stopped by the fence for the dogs to say hi and didn’t go around the corner
Saw three young children and their parents splashing in the street
Smiled at their happy
Then here came the truck to park by our curb
We watched from the sidewalk across the street
‘We’ being two dogs, three adults and the three hopeful children wanting to splash some more
This hydrant not making as many puddles as before
No splashing after all
Parting ways with, “Have a good day” and “See you later”
Blue and I cross for home
Staying dry other than bare feet through the puddles in the street
My boys slept through it
Had it not been for my dog I’d have missed it too

July 5, 2014
A snapshot of a moment from before 9:30am. My oldest woke up right after the dog and I came inside. The youngest will appear with some prodding before noon. The lazy hazy days of summertime are here.

burrowed in

I am “a winter person.” I am. I love the coziness of winter. Bundled up clothes. Sweatshirts and sweaters. Fuzzy socks. Fleece blankets. Soup and hot drinks. I don’t mind shoveling snow either and have done LOTS of that THIS winter! Granted, I am also appreciative when my snowblower owning neighbors help me out with those extra big drifts. Blue is a snow dog. He and I have had a lot of fun making side by side tracks in fresh snow and climbing through drifts. Ice is another matter. I don’t mess around with ice, like the wintry mix hitting my windows now with a rat a tat tat. Burrowed in suits me just fine, as does winter. However, I am saying so quietly, just a whisper. When spring comes I will delight in the green and sigh at the daffodils. Summertime’s hot makes me wilt a bit, but I love the length of the days. Then the colors of fall foliage and a briskness in the air. Each season has beauty. Winter is for hibernating, resting, burrowing. Suits me. Especially this year. Honestly, my favorite season is whatever season I am in.

February 17, 2014

It is Valentine’s Day today. My boys each received a giant Hershey bar with a big red bow this morning. I was surprised they didn’t have chocolate for breakfast like on Easter morning. They could have, but they didn’t ask or just go for it sorta on the sly.
Instead of wearing red (I’m just not feeling bold like that) I chose my purple t-shirt with the hot pink sea turtles and the words “Aulani • Hawai’i.” We loved there. He and I. Our family of four cocooned together surrounded by Hawaiian island paradise. That was six months ago, at the beginning of August 2012, just three weeks before he died.
This morning my youngest son and I stood outdoors in quickly falling snow with Blue dog too. What began as micro flakes quickly changed to ginormous ones and was really coming down. This unexpected snowfall made me smile, as did the talking and laughing between us while while waiting for the bus. Sweet fifth grade boy has twenty eight valentines with nerd candy attached in his backpack, ready to give to his classmates at the party this afternoon. I’m preparing for a sugar buzz attack this evening, followed by a crash. He held his backpack over his head and asked me to go inside and get the umbrella to block the falling snow. I didn’t budge. Instead my hair turned white from snow accumulation because I’d left my hat inside. Enough landed there that I did blow dry it again once inside. Crazy winter.
I have a lunch date with my oldest son at his favorite restaurant to look forward to. Half day only at his school today. Parents Day in the lower grades. We’ll enjoy our afternoon time, just us two, before his brother gets off the bus returning home. He led me in a merry game of chase when I turned to give him a Happy Valentine’s Day hug before school. What a scene we made. Thirteen year old boy with the long legs staying just ahead, ten year old keeping pace beside me and Blue dog racing, not sure of the objective but not wanting to miss the merry go round of fun. I’ll get that hug. Later. The day is young. Good thing is, he “eluded me” by brushing his teeth before school at my reminder.
I’ll probably make a chocolate cake in my grandmother’s heart shaped cake pans. They are mine now, but they were hers first. If not today, sometime this weekend.
The dog is walked. The boys are at school. The house is quiet. The coffee is brewed. I started to reach for my blue “Oasis” mug. The one I glazed with the soothing colors of the Caribbean in early July while my children worked on 4-H projects alongside. Then I considered the earth tone mug in the unusual shape that I brought home from a summer art fair in 2011. That was longer ago than it sounds, considering all that has happened since. Instead, I chose the bright red heart mug today, on the day it is made for, Valentine’s Day. I bought two of these red heart mugs long ago, as Valentine’s Day gifts for my husband and I. Way back, before the children were born. I still have both of the mugs. Stupid earthly stuff. It stays behind with memories attached, both the good and the bad ones. So much to wade through.
Earlier this week on Monday, February 10, I wrote in an email to a girlfriend:
“Valentine’s Day won’t be as hard for me as our wedding anniversary on May 31. I always have considered Valentine’s Day “a Hallmark holiday” and still say showing your love isn’t about over the top extravagance on one *stupid* day you feel forced to make a gesture, but about the whole year of big, and mostly little things, that you do for one another. My 2¢. I’ll make sure to toast the day with chocolate and will spend it with my children, my two bestest Valentine’s, this year and every one. Hold each other close. Say, “Good morning, I love you” as the day begins and, “Good night, I love you” as the day ends. We got it right for the last month of our marriage, when all pride was finally shoved aside and we loved with our walls down. Beautifully. Fleetingly. It was good and all God. I told my oldest son yet again, on the drive to school today, “There were many miracles along the way, but the biggest one was the way God moved a stubborn man and a stubborn woman at the end of July.” It was all Him.”
I’m thankful for, and humbled by, the ocean of love and prayer that continues to surround my family of three people, one wild dog, and a cranky cat.
Now I’m on today. Valentine’s Day. All day. I’m finishing my last cup of coffee, a special blend sent across the ocean from Hawaii and looking forward to my lunch date. Later, I anticipate laughing later while watching Blue dog play outside on the long leash as I shovel snow, and then being tucked into home with my family tonight, with cake to follow soon. Lots of good stuff right there, in these quiet moments that no longer pass me by.
Aloha means, “hello,” “goodbye,” “I love you.” Feels right. Yes. That. Aloha. My subconscious knew, as I chose my souvenir t-shirt from our Hawaiian vacation to wear today, along with my sparkly heart love multicolor Venetian glass necklace, a gift from two GFF BFF friends, also from August 2012.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from me to you.
Love,
Janean

P.S. See?! I am trying. Getting there. Day by day. Grief is not for wimps…and this rambling post probably doesn’t make a lick o’sense. Oh well. I wrote it anyway. So there. Take that, Valentine’s Day! *sigh*

Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

February 14, 2014

doggone dog I love
woofed before 5:30am today
he hasn’t done that for awhile
he’s learned to sleep in, my Blue
today he barked and fussed a bit
to let me know he really meant it
up and at ‘em
put summer clothes on
enough to hit the sidewalk
and be decent
we set off for the park
on our usual morning route
I quickly realized
the beauty of his timing
for Blue knew
it was a special morning
the moon so full and luminous
glowing o’er our heads last night
twas even more lovely
in the early morning light
with pale blue sky
behind the glowing sphere
wisps of pink clouds surrounding
to keep her from feeling bare, exposed
she shows her lovely luminescence
as a new day dawns
a morning moon lit the sky before us
as the sun rose to our backs
Blue and I kept moving forward
looping through the park
circling back toward home
always
home

July 23, 2013

it must be Monday

Blue and I are the only ones awake here
Those Wild Boys are going to sleep in
I’m sure of it
Garbage and recycle are on the curb
Summer rain started lightly falling when we were three houses away from home after walking through the park
Coffee and breakfast next
Good morning
6:19 a.m.

July 8, 2013