supermoon

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Dear La Lune,

There you are.
It’s been awhile.
You’ve been obscured
by cloud cover.
Caught a glimpse
a few nights ago.
Crescent shaped then.
Saw a half moon by day.
Leading up to tonight.
When you are full
and beaming bright.
It’s been awhile
since you made me smile.
Shining with your celestial light.

I fell asleep penning this poem to you.
Stretched out on the living room couch.
Moonlight shining in the window.
Eyes shut tight until 2am,
when I moved myself to bed.

You greeted me as a new day dawned.
The dog and I begin our walk.
You met us in the morning sky.
Honey hue of nighttime gone.
Darkness faded yet you remain.
Glowing white come daylight.
Until you disappear from sight.
I’ll look for you again this night
and admire your changing shape.
Waning now.

Love,
Janean

August 13, 2014

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It is Valentine’s Day today. My boys each received a giant Hershey bar with a big red bow this morning. I was surprised they didn’t have chocolate for breakfast like on Easter morning. They could have, but they didn’t ask or just go for it sorta on the sly.
Instead of wearing red (I’m just not feeling bold like that) I chose my purple t-shirt with the hot pink sea turtles and the words “Aulani • Hawai’i.” We loved there. He and I. Our family of four cocooned together surrounded by Hawaiian island paradise. That was six months ago, at the beginning of August 2012, just three weeks before he died.
This morning my youngest son and I stood outdoors in quickly falling snow with Blue dog too. What began as micro flakes quickly changed to ginormous ones and was really coming down. This unexpected snowfall made me smile, as did the talking and laughing between us while while waiting for the bus. Sweet fifth grade boy has twenty eight valentines with nerd candy attached in his backpack, ready to give to his classmates at the party this afternoon. I’m preparing for a sugar buzz attack this evening, followed by a crash. He held his backpack over his head and asked me to go inside and get the umbrella to block the falling snow. I didn’t budge. Instead my hair turned white from snow accumulation because I’d left my hat inside. Enough landed there that I did blow dry it again once inside. Crazy winter.
I have a lunch date with my oldest son at his favorite restaurant to look forward to. Half day only at his school today. Parents Day in the lower grades. We’ll enjoy our afternoon time, just us two, before his brother gets off the bus returning home. He led me in a merry game of chase when I turned to give him a Happy Valentine’s Day hug before school. What a scene we made. Thirteen year old boy with the long legs staying just ahead, ten year old keeping pace beside me and Blue dog racing, not sure of the objective but not wanting to miss the merry go round of fun. I’ll get that hug. Later. The day is young. Good thing is, he “eluded me” by brushing his teeth before school at my reminder.
I’ll probably make a chocolate cake in my grandmother’s heart shaped cake pans. They are mine now, but they were hers first. If not today, sometime this weekend.
The dog is walked. The boys are at school. The house is quiet. The coffee is brewed. I started to reach for my blue “Oasis” mug. The one I glazed with the soothing colors of the Caribbean in early July while my children worked on 4-H projects alongside. Then I considered the earth tone mug in the unusual shape that I brought home from a summer art fair in 2011. That was longer ago than it sounds, considering all that has happened since. Instead, I chose the bright red heart mug today, on the day it is made for, Valentine’s Day. I bought two of these red heart mugs long ago, as Valentine’s Day gifts for my husband and I. Way back, before the children were born. I still have both of the mugs. Stupid earthly stuff. It stays behind with memories attached, both the good and the bad ones. So much to wade through.
Earlier this week on Monday, February 10, I wrote in an email to a girlfriend:
“Valentine’s Day won’t be as hard for me as our wedding anniversary on May 31. I always have considered Valentine’s Day “a Hallmark holiday” and still say showing your love isn’t about over the top extravagance on one *stupid* day you feel forced to make a gesture, but about the whole year of big, and mostly little things, that you do for one another. My 2¢. I’ll make sure to toast the day with chocolate and will spend it with my children, my two bestest Valentine’s, this year and every one. Hold each other close. Say, “Good morning, I love you” as the day begins and, “Good night, I love you” as the day ends. We got it right for the last month of our marriage, when all pride was finally shoved aside and we loved with our walls down. Beautifully. Fleetingly. It was good and all God. I told my oldest son yet again, on the drive to school today, “There were many miracles along the way, but the biggest one was the way God moved a stubborn man and a stubborn woman at the end of July.” It was all Him.”
I’m thankful for, and humbled by, the ocean of love and prayer that continues to surround my family of three people, one wild dog, and a cranky cat.
Now I’m on today. Valentine’s Day. All day. I’m finishing my last cup of coffee, a special blend sent across the ocean from Hawaii and looking forward to my lunch date. Later, I anticipate laughing later while watching Blue dog play outside on the long leash as I shovel snow, and then being tucked into home with my family tonight, with cake to follow soon. Lots of good stuff right there, in these quiet moments that no longer pass me by.
Aloha means, “hello,” “goodbye,” “I love you.” Feels right. Yes. That. Aloha. My subconscious knew, as I chose my souvenir t-shirt from our Hawaiian vacation to wear today, along with my sparkly heart love multicolor Venetian glass necklace, a gift from two GFF BFF friends, also from August 2012.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from me to you.
Love,
Janean

P.S. See?! I am trying. Getting there. Day by day. Grief is not for wimps…and this rambling post probably doesn’t make a lick o’sense. Oh well. I wrote it anyway. So there. Take that, Valentine’s Day! *sigh*

Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

February 14, 2014

Facebook “Friends”

It all started by reading a Facebook status that said, “Sometimes even the people you love need to be unfriended.” I simply wrote, “Thankful I’m still here.” A mutual friend commented, “Me, too, Janean. But, I have had to unfriend a couple for language too.” This is where I probably should have just liked her comment and let what instead happened next disappear like a puff of smoke. Instead, I wrote…
“I have my moments of “could have been a language violator.” I understand though. I figure “free to come and free to go” and am praying through the hurt of those who went from my own “friends list.” My true friends know where to find me. We’re programmed into one another’s phones and know the way to each other’s front door. We hug hello and goodbye and in between we talk, laugh and heart share. In person communique is better than online every time. I am thankful for the Godly examples of the many women I’ve met through church. I know what faithful prayer warriors they are and how mightily they prayed my family through a storm, while weathering storms of their own, often with gale force gusts, rated F4 and category 5. Online channels have their merits, for an initial meeting and keeping in touch, but in person is better because you can hug and read faces, which say more than most status updates ever could.”
Perhaps I said too much. Perhaps not enough. This whole topic of unfriending and blocking strikes a nerve that’s raw. There is hurt there. Life is about choices. “Free to go” should always be a viable option. Thankfully, it is. An older gentleman I worked with years ago often quoted this wisdom from his mother, “There are three sides to every story: yours, mine and what really happened.”
God sees the overview and knows what’s in our hearts. He knits us together with the people we need and He directs our paths. Watch out for the potholes, road blocks and pits. Sometimes these things we view as obstacles actually protect us, from the things we cannot see ahead. Other times they help us grow deeper roots of Faith to help us stand against the mighty winds. Trust God and He will see you through. He sent His Son to die on the cross, to forgive the sins of a fallen world. Grace. There is grace and forgiveness to cover our humanness. Praise God. Praise Him for the little things and the BIG ones. Praise Him in song, in words, sometimes spoken aloud, other times typed in an email, tweet, blog post, even on Facebook.
Facebook. Brings me full circle. Ugh. Stupid Facebook. Part of me wants to ditch Facebook World completely. I still may, but not quite yet. I’m thankful for the people I am connected to, whether we interact much, or not. I hop on and hop off, reading, “liking,” and commenting. Sometimes saying too much. I’m me. It’s how I’m made. Typing forums are dangerous for me because words have a way of pouring out. Honest words, from the heart. I’m not perfect, no where near, never have been, never will be, never was. I’m just a human woman, with the tendency to be a chatterbox. I try to follow my mother’s advice, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

January 25, 2014

Thank you kindly

Dear Driver of the Maroon Pickup Truck,
Thank you for putting your snowplow blade down to bust through the drifts and heaps o’snow from the street plow at the bottom of my driveway. I tried to walk out and say, “Thank You” in person, but that’s when you started up the snowblower motor and we couldn’t hear each other. I headed back indoors through the cloud of snow dust you were making.
I watched you work from the front window, with one hand resting upon Blue. My big hearted, protector dog was window watching too. I was waiting for another chance to say, “Thanks. A LOT!”
Instead, my youngest son came upstairs asking about bacon to eat, round two. (It’s since been cooked and devoured now.) While in the moment still, I replied lightning fast to two messages on my phone, singing the praises of you, my unknown snow removal guy. Really?! Wow.
I made it back to the front window in time to see you back inside your truck, about to drive away. You’d left it running, for a quick getaway. Glad we exchanged that brief wave. Me, hanging out the front door with my winter coat on, still hoping to catch your name. You, already back in the driver’s seat, ready to roll. More snow to clear, before you called it a day. Your wave was as chivalrous as an old time, white hatted cowboy. Felt like I heard you say as you drove away, “You’re welcome. My pleasure, Ma’am.” So what if the dialogue is imagined, the sentiment is real. Thank you kindly in reply.
In one of those two texts, sent at 1:15pm today, I wrote, “Let me share a praise: A maroon pick up truck just came and plowed my drive. Then a man got out and is snow blowing the rest. I don’t know who but am thankful. Yesterday Jake the dog’s “dad” snow blew it some. Good people out there. Thankful here. God is so good. I’ve already been weepy today. What’s a few more tears? Joy kind. :)”
Just now, at 2:23pm Marilyn replied, “That is so neat Janean. God’s provision for you.”
I simply replied, “Yes. I know. Thankful, humbled and blessed. Amen”
I just want you to know I noticed and appreciate YOU!
Sincerely,
Janean M. Baird

P.S. For the record, the temperature at this moment, according to The Weather Channel app: -11*F (Feels like -35*F) Yep. Still Crazy Cold.
P.S.S. The weirdest part is your timing is that just moments before I’d been outside with Blue. He “went” fast and wanted to play, but I threw him back inside. I was going to go back out and shovel a bit. Cold schmold. I love being outside. I’d just closed the front door to unhook the dog’s leash when the house phone rang. It was my father in law, checking in. He joked about thinking he’d miss me, because I’d be outside shoveling. Told him honestly, I nearly was. We talked a bit before the call dropped and we switched to text, just a little after 1pm. So, if you read to the bottom of my note, “Thank you” once again.

January 6, 2014

The last sunset of 2013 was a cool blend of blue sky and puffy white clouds with bands of pastel stripes. Gorgeous bare trees in the foreground make the background all the more lovely. Happy New Year, have fun and stay safe tonight! Cheers to 2014, may it hold lots of peace, joy and love. ~Janean

December 31, 2013

it is what it is

Dear GFF BFFs,

You know who you are. 2014. It’s going to be a glitterf*ckingfabulous year, isn’t it?! Don’t answer. No jinxing. We’ll take it day by day. I need to get moving and work on better eating, make art and write “for real.” I want lots of laughing and hugging and legal hell raising fun – you in?! 🙂 I hope so! I’m all in, and all heart, like a racehorse, galloping toward it. Hello 2014, The Year of the Horse!

Have you bought your sass and kickass cowgirl boots yet?! If not, the time is here! You f’ing NEED them!

Love,
*sparkly heart kind*
Janean

December 31, 2013