if

if I blogged anonymous
you might meet the real me
I’d be a little more open
a little more carefree

if I blogged anonymous
your eyebrows might go up
there’d be more secrets told
and less talk about my pup

if I blogged anonymous
it might work for awhile
till someone got suspicious
and figured it out with a smile

if I blogged anonymous
there might be a lot more tears
mine and many others
as I reveal my fears

if I blogged anonymous
it might help me let things go
instead I write ‘em in a journal
or email close friends who know

November 2, 2012

slow dancin’

We were canoodling when the phone rang, cutting off the music we were dancin’ to.
It was my mother saying, “I’m on my way.”
He said, “I don’t want to see your tears.”
I replied, “Then don’t look.”
There’s no time to kiss them away.
Gotta get my composure, blow my nose and grab my sunglasses to walk the dog.
Our sweet pup, Blue.
Met mom on the sidewalk.
Chit chatted and smiled sorta bright.
Held his hand when I came back in.
Assured him it was the tenderness that did me in.
I’m a girl.
It’s how I’m packaged.
Sometimes they are happy tears.

November 1, 2012

I sat down poolside with coffee only, just as a hint of drizzle turned to gentle rain at 6:20a.m. Thankful for that big red umbrella and time spent sitting in the dark outside. (It was quiet until that lady sat down with her cell phone…that she’s actually talking on and not typing on like me.)
Since then I’ve moved tables. Tweeted. E-mailed. Facebooked. Have refilled my mug o’ coffee too.
Nearly moved again after loud talking cell phone user number two. Instead I couldn’t help but overhear as she said, “You can’t run away from yourself because you can’t get away from your own ass.” Well, tis true.
The sky has brightened. I should go and check on my family, and find out if they are waking up anytime soon. No hurry. That’s the beauty of vacation. The gray clouds are moving. Blue sky is tryin’ to peek through. Not sure where the day is going to take us. The To Do List just reads, “Have Fun.” Gotta love Vacation Days. Reality can wait a few days more. It’s 8:09a.m. now. Livin’ on Eastern time rather agrees with me.
~ Janean

October 24, 2012

I am in love with the light this fall. This morning’s sky looks like a pastel drawing. And yes, I hung out of my oldest son’s second story window to take this photograph from above the treetops. I took the screen out long ago for moments such as this. Just know, it’s better in person. Changing in brightness, hue and warm orange glow before my very eyes. I’m greeting the sun with a smile on my lips and good morning wishes for you. ~ Janean

October 17, 2012

Some things never change

Dear Reckless Girl,

You met my husband yesterday at work. He was on patrol, so that’s not necessarily a good thing. He told me about you, in the late afternoon stillness of our house, on a Sunday afternoon. No names. No identifying data. That’d be confidential and it still is.  

I’d been sort of napping, while the dog woofed, the phone rang and the children were next door, at the neighbors. I kept my eyes closed as he told about how you were woken up rather abruptly on Sunday morning, after a wild night of partying with college boys, yet you’re still in high school. 

I listened. I heard. I thought back to over 20 years ago. Some things never change. Damn it. Why can’t they change for the better?! 

Why can’t teenage girls, with a woman’s body and a girl’s heart, have enough self esteem and strength of character to resist this cycle of drinkin’, flirtin’ and gettin’ naked when the weekend rolls around?! Today’s Monday, and you’ll be sittin’ pretty in your high school honors classes, perhaps whisperin’, grinnin’ and gigglin’ with your best friend about your wild child escapades. 

Next weekend will be much of the same. It’s a cycle. An ugly one. A hurtful one. It hurts on the inside, where no one can see. You’re hurting yourself, not those you are rebelling against. You. You’re hurting you.

What seems so fun in the moment is just a temporary escape. The dark of night only lasts so long, to hide your secret self. In morning’s light you’re still you, with effects from the night before lingering as a reminder.

You did those things. Now, face yourself in the mirror. That’s right, look into your eyes. Yep. There it is. Just as I thought. Hurt and brokenness, covered up with sass and feigned bravado. 

I don’t know your name. You don’t know mine. But I know your teenage heart that yearns for true love, and your mixed up head that’s so smart in book learnin’ durin’ the week and so foolish in choices made on the weekend. Some things never change. Damn it. 

It’s up to you. You have to break the cycle. Oh, it won’t be now. You’re having too much fun…or so you think. But someday, instead of drinkin’ until you’re so trashed you don’t care who you get busy with, you’ll meet him. And odds are good that it won’t be at a bar or a drinkin’ party. He’ll love you for your head and heart and well, as a bonus he’ll think you’re kinda sexy too. 

For now, just think about it. I hope you have good friends. The kind who can tell you when you’re being too reckless, even for them, to hang out with. The kind who know the whole ugly truth but love you anyway, because they just do. 

Love,

Someone Who Cares

I love my friends

I love my friends
Kim who makes me laugh until I snort without even trying, and no such thing as TMI between us
and Susan who pulls alongside the school curb, where I’m walking with my head down, after delivering two dozen brownies inside for a fundraising function we’re not attending tomorrow
she gets my attention with, “Hey, Sexy Mama”
my head comes up fast to see her smiling face and twinkling eyes from the driver’s seat of her familiar car
we talked in the shorthand of good friends as she rounded the sidewalk curve
for she has one more school drop off to do and then bags to pack
she’s flyin’ to South Carolina tomorrow
I’m seeing Angel and LizBeth later lunch-ish for some art business, but mostly friend business
for hugs and “to touch noses”
For face time, the live and in person kind
I’m seein’ more L’s tonight
chit chat with both Lynnette and Liann
with their families and mine
roastin’ hot dogs and marshmallows over a bonfire at my in law’s farm
e-communication has its place
but how I love talking, laughing and hugging in person so much more than simply typing, “LOL”, “hugs” and signing off emails with “Love”
for I truly do
Love my friends
~ Janean

September 28, 2012

movie review

The movie my husband and I saw yesterday afternoon was fun
I enjoyed it more than I expected to
Sweet romance/love story
Father/daughter baggage dealt with well
Though she looked too young to be his daughter
Oh, and the cussing was magnificent
I loved the cussing because that’s the place I’m in now, deftly peppering my conversation with properly placed swear words for emphasis added
The baseball didn’t detract from the sweet wooing and head over heels in love falling either
*happy sigh*

September 28, 2012

I have turquoise toes
adorned with sparkly flowers
a gift from my mother
pedicures for the three of us
my mom, my sister and I
Girl Time
The Best Kind
with smiles, laughter filled conversation and love all around
the pampering was nice too
mmmmmm, needed that
more than I knew
I don’t recognize these feet as mine
for my toe nails were naked all summer
no time to paint ‘em
let alone time to be still
and have them done
a mother’s love
a woman who knows her daughters better than we know ourselves
so thankful for them both
my mother and my sister
both big pieces
of my heart

September 13, 2012