heart ache

my woman’s heart is breakin’
daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend
life’s been tough for awhile now
doin’ the best I can
cryin’ too many tears
day by day abidin’
movin’ ever forward
walkin’ step by step
thankful for the gift
of each day
we have together
holdin’ it all together
with bailin’ twine and prayers

November 25, 2012

Some things never change

Dear Reckless Girl,

You met my husband yesterday at work. He was on patrol, so that’s not necessarily a good thing. He told me about you, in the late afternoon stillness of our house, on a Sunday afternoon. No names. No identifying data. That’d be confidential and it still is.  

I’d been sort of napping, while the dog woofed, the phone rang and the children were next door, at the neighbors. I kept my eyes closed as he told about how you were woken up rather abruptly on Sunday morning, after a wild night of partying with college boys, yet you’re still in high school. 

I listened. I heard. I thought back to over 20 years ago. Some things never change. Damn it. Why can’t they change for the better?! 

Why can’t teenage girls, with a woman’s body and a girl’s heart, have enough self esteem and strength of character to resist this cycle of drinkin’, flirtin’ and gettin’ naked when the weekend rolls around?! Today’s Monday, and you’ll be sittin’ pretty in your high school honors classes, perhaps whisperin’, grinnin’ and gigglin’ with your best friend about your wild child escapades. 

Next weekend will be much of the same. It’s a cycle. An ugly one. A hurtful one. It hurts on the inside, where no one can see. You’re hurting yourself, not those you are rebelling against. You. You’re hurting you.

What seems so fun in the moment is just a temporary escape. The dark of night only lasts so long, to hide your secret self. In morning’s light you’re still you, with effects from the night before lingering as a reminder.

You did those things. Now, face yourself in the mirror. That’s right, look into your eyes. Yep. There it is. Just as I thought. Hurt and brokenness, covered up with sass and feigned bravado. 

I don’t know your name. You don’t know mine. But I know your teenage heart that yearns for true love, and your mixed up head that’s so smart in book learnin’ durin’ the week and so foolish in choices made on the weekend. Some things never change. Damn it. 

It’s up to you. You have to break the cycle. Oh, it won’t be now. You’re having too much fun…or so you think. But someday, instead of drinkin’ until you’re so trashed you don’t care who you get busy with, you’ll meet him. And odds are good that it won’t be at a bar or a drinkin’ party. He’ll love you for your head and heart and well, as a bonus he’ll think you’re kinda sexy too. 

For now, just think about it. I hope you have good friends. The kind who can tell you when you’re being too reckless, even for them, to hang out with. The kind who know the whole ugly truth but love you anyway, because they just do. 

Love,

Someone Who Cares

shadow games

“I’m trying to step on my shadow.”
~ my favorite quote from the soccer sidelines on this sunny Saturday

I overheard a brown haired girl say this to her parents, who had their eyes fixed on the field beyond her.
No one noticed the purple clad, brown haired woman, with red highlights recently added, smiling quietly to herself as she walked past, on her way to another field, where her youngest son is playing.

September 29, 2012

Little Red and Blue

This morning, as I walked my big dog, Blue around the block, I thought to myself, “If I were wearing a red jacket with a hood right now, it’d look to passersby like Little Red Riding Hood walkin’ The Big Bad Wolf.” My grin was quick and no laugh escaped to be carried on the wind. Besides, looks can be deceiving…though I do own a red hooded rain coat. ~ Janean

August 25, 2012

Dear Queen Anne,
I love your lace.
I always have.
Since childhood.
When I’d tuck a stem behind my ear and the delicate blooms would tickle my face.
I picked a dozen and wove the long stems into a crown, oblivious to the minute white petals in my hair long after the crown was gone.
I chose the prettiest blooms and presented them to my grandma in a great big bunch.
Flowers, flowers everywhere in her multilayered gardens, but the only one I was allowed to pick was your lace, Queen Anne.

Time passes.
That young girl, once so carefree, grew into a woman with a family of her own.
But I’m still me.
In the light of early morning, walking my sweet pup on a new path, I spied a familiar flower.
For I never could call it a weed, with a name as lovely as, “Queen Anne’s Lace.”
Hello my friend.
Thank you for waking up my memories, of those childhood days long gone.
My grandma is gone now too.
Smiling down from heaven as I snapped off a single bloom and kept on walking.
Heading home.
Puppy slowing down, pulling less, heeling more.
I know full well it’s against the rules to pick flowers in a public park, as they are there for everyone to enjoy.
I rationalized no one would miss one weed…
Even though in my heart I didn’t think it so.
Thank you for the beautiful, pure white, intricate blooms of your lace, Queen Anne.
I’ll be walking that way again and a flower may or may not follow me home again…
(Depending a bit on who is reading.)
Love,
Janean

July 21, 2012

I’ve been building a mountain
in shades of gray
with a dab of brown too
numerous pieces of paper
held together with glue
these are the scraps
in pieces and bits
they aren’t recycled yet
I may still need them
mountain building takes time
and more patience
than I knew I had
I can see the finished artwork clearly
in my mind
until then
it’s considered
a work in progress
sorta like the woman
using scissors, paper and glue
to build the mountain

July 2, 2012

gray clouds gather
a few raindrops fall
there is a storm rolling in
blackbirds chirping
flocking in treetops
warning the dog and woman
in the yard below
maple tree flowering
redbud budding
burr oak tree barely leafing
old nest from last season
still resting in high up branches
breeze is cooler
blowing faster
chimes chime louder
there is a storm rolling in
it’s going to cut loose
soon