My favorite part of today’s Art Club, with 16 students in 3rd-5th grade, was hearing one girl say on her way out the door, “I wish Art Club could be every week.” Today they drew continuous line self portraits with a black felt tip marker. No erasing was possible. Then they added color with washable Crayola markers. I made one too. *happy sigh* Now it’s time to store their artwork in a portfolio, clean up the scattered supplies, move tables and chairs, and finally head home. ~ Janean

“you’re on my optic nerve”
by Janean M. Baird
9” x 12”
marker
November 1, 2012

slow dancin’

We were canoodling when the phone rang, cutting off the music we were dancin’ to.
It was my mother saying, “I’m on my way.”
He said, “I don’t want to see your tears.”
I replied, “Then don’t look.”
There’s no time to kiss them away.
Gotta get my composure, blow my nose and grab my sunglasses to walk the dog.
Our sweet pup, Blue.
Met mom on the sidewalk.
Chit chatted and smiled sorta bright.
Held his hand when I came back in.
Assured him it was the tenderness that did me in.
I’m a girl.
It’s how I’m packaged.
Sometimes they are happy tears.

November 1, 2012

Some things never change

Dear Reckless Girl,

You met my husband yesterday at work. He was on patrol, so that’s not necessarily a good thing. He told me about you, in the late afternoon stillness of our house, on a Sunday afternoon. No names. No identifying data. That’d be confidential and it still is.  

I’d been sort of napping, while the dog woofed, the phone rang and the children were next door, at the neighbors. I kept my eyes closed as he told about how you were woken up rather abruptly on Sunday morning, after a wild night of partying with college boys, yet you’re still in high school. 

I listened. I heard. I thought back to over 20 years ago. Some things never change. Damn it. Why can’t they change for the better?! 

Why can’t teenage girls, with a woman’s body and a girl’s heart, have enough self esteem and strength of character to resist this cycle of drinkin’, flirtin’ and gettin’ naked when the weekend rolls around?! Today’s Monday, and you’ll be sittin’ pretty in your high school honors classes, perhaps whisperin’, grinnin’ and gigglin’ with your best friend about your wild child escapades. 

Next weekend will be much of the same. It’s a cycle. An ugly one. A hurtful one. It hurts on the inside, where no one can see. You’re hurting yourself, not those you are rebelling against. You. You’re hurting you.

What seems so fun in the moment is just a temporary escape. The dark of night only lasts so long, to hide your secret self. In morning’s light you’re still you, with effects from the night before lingering as a reminder.

You did those things. Now, face yourself in the mirror. That’s right, look into your eyes. Yep. There it is. Just as I thought. Hurt and brokenness, covered up with sass and feigned bravado. 

I don’t know your name. You don’t know mine. But I know your teenage heart that yearns for true love, and your mixed up head that’s so smart in book learnin’ durin’ the week and so foolish in choices made on the weekend. Some things never change. Damn it. 

It’s up to you. You have to break the cycle. Oh, it won’t be now. You’re having too much fun…or so you think. But someday, instead of drinkin’ until you’re so trashed you don’t care who you get busy with, you’ll meet him. And odds are good that it won’t be at a bar or a drinkin’ party. He’ll love you for your head and heart and well, as a bonus he’ll think you’re kinda sexy too. 

For now, just think about it. I hope you have good friends. The kind who can tell you when you’re being too reckless, even for them, to hang out with. The kind who know the whole ugly truth but love you anyway, because they just do. 

Love,

Someone Who Cares

shadow games

“I’m trying to step on my shadow.”
~ my favorite quote from the soccer sidelines on this sunny Saturday

I overheard a brown haired girl say this to her parents, who had their eyes fixed on the field beyond her.
No one noticed the purple clad, brown haired woman, with red highlights recently added, smiling quietly to herself as she walked past, on her way to another field, where her youngest son is playing.

September 29, 2012

Dear Queen Anne,
I love your lace.
I always have.
Since childhood.
When I’d tuck a stem behind my ear and the delicate blooms would tickle my face.
I picked a dozen and wove the long stems into a crown, oblivious to the minute white petals in my hair long after the crown was gone.
I chose the prettiest blooms and presented them to my grandma in a great big bunch.
Flowers, flowers everywhere in her multilayered gardens, but the only one I was allowed to pick was your lace, Queen Anne.

Time passes.
That young girl, once so carefree, grew into a woman with a family of her own.
But I’m still me.
In the light of early morning, walking my sweet pup on a new path, I spied a familiar flower.
For I never could call it a weed, with a name as lovely as, “Queen Anne’s Lace.”
Hello my friend.
Thank you for waking up my memories, of those childhood days long gone.
My grandma is gone now too.
Smiling down from heaven as I snapped off a single bloom and kept on walking.
Heading home.
Puppy slowing down, pulling less, heeling more.
I know full well it’s against the rules to pick flowers in a public park, as they are there for everyone to enjoy.
I rationalized no one would miss one weed…
Even though in my heart I didn’t think it so.
Thank you for the beautiful, pure white, intricate blooms of your lace, Queen Anne.
I’ll be walking that way again and a flower may or may not follow me home again…
(Depending a bit on who is reading.)
Love,
Janean

July 21, 2012

last night was for fireflies
the first ones of the year
this mornin’ is for pink clouds
and a crescent moon
still hangin’ in the sky
fireflies remind me
of my childhood summers
pink clouds are for my grandma
she painted some on canvas
and the teacher said,
“There is no such thing.”
Grandma wouldn’t budge
knew she was right
as she’d seen pink clouds
from atop the bluff
time and time again
so while I’m not a pink girl
I love pink cloud mornings
and greet them with a grin
as memories of my grandma
fill me up within

on the edge

on the edge of emotion
tamping back tears all day
no reason for it
I consider giving in
and letting the tears fall
but I already did my makeup
so I shove ‘em down again
they might be happy tears
for my oldest son’s 12th birthday
or relieved tears
for my father’s safe travel
or exhausted tears
from two weeks
of my own health battle
or apprehensive
it’s a chemo week tears
for my husband
most likely it’s just regular
I’m a girl and cry sometimes tears
even though it makes me mad to feel this way
and I don’t want to be a cliche
there you have it
tamping back tears all day
on the edge of emotion

Fine

Please don’t ask how I am.
I’ll either smile, and lie through my teeth saying, “Fine, and you?” or I’ll start crying and tell you I’m a bit of a wreck these days.
I hate crying too.
I want to be all strong and in control of my emotions.
But alas, I am a girl.
A woman if you’re going to get technical, and I’m a bundle of emotions these days.
I’m as liable to hit ya as kiss ya if you get too damn close for comfort.
So let me smile and say, “Fine”.
It’s easier for both of us.
Trust me.
No bruises or tears that way either.

I love them still

they worked for me

a boy and a girl

for just a brief time

I didn’t sign their paychecks

but I was their supervisor

pouring what I knew

into them

she was tall and slender

all legs, long hair, and sass

he was more compact

with dark looks

and shoulders

broad enough to lean on

I listened to their problems

shared some of mine

fighting for their rights

standing between them

and upper management

over a decade between us

but we fit together fine

the three muskateers

though pirates was our theme

a crew of artists three

had I met them sooner

things might have been different

we had five months together

that time

was a gift

I loved them both

with all my heart

we kept in touch 

even after I moved on

and left the work to them

a team well trained

my job there

done

© 2011 Turquoise Tangles