Some things never change

Dear Reckless Girl,

You met my husband yesterday at work. He was on patrol, so that’s not necessarily a good thing. He told me about you, in the late afternoon stillness of our house, on a Sunday afternoon. No names. No identifying data. That’d be confidential and it still is.  

I’d been sort of napping, while the dog woofed, the phone rang and the children were next door, at the neighbors. I kept my eyes closed as he told about how you were woken up rather abruptly on Sunday morning, after a wild night of partying with college boys, yet you’re still in high school. 

I listened. I heard. I thought back to over 20 years ago. Some things never change. Damn it. Why can’t they change for the better?! 

Why can’t teenage girls, with a woman’s body and a girl’s heart, have enough self esteem and strength of character to resist this cycle of drinkin’, flirtin’ and gettin’ naked when the weekend rolls around?! Today’s Monday, and you’ll be sittin’ pretty in your high school honors classes, perhaps whisperin’, grinnin’ and gigglin’ with your best friend about your wild child escapades. 

Next weekend will be much of the same. It’s a cycle. An ugly one. A hurtful one. It hurts on the inside, where no one can see. You’re hurting yourself, not those you are rebelling against. You. You’re hurting you.

What seems so fun in the moment is just a temporary escape. The dark of night only lasts so long, to hide your secret self. In morning’s light you’re still you, with effects from the night before lingering as a reminder.

You did those things. Now, face yourself in the mirror. That’s right, look into your eyes. Yep. There it is. Just as I thought. Hurt and brokenness, covered up with sass and feigned bravado. 

I don’t know your name. You don’t know mine. But I know your teenage heart that yearns for true love, and your mixed up head that’s so smart in book learnin’ durin’ the week and so foolish in choices made on the weekend. Some things never change. Damn it. 

It’s up to you. You have to break the cycle. Oh, it won’t be now. You’re having too much fun…or so you think. But someday, instead of drinkin’ until you’re so trashed you don’t care who you get busy with, you’ll meet him. And odds are good that it won’t be at a bar or a drinkin’ party. He’ll love you for your head and heart and well, as a bonus he’ll think you’re kinda sexy too. 

For now, just think about it. I hope you have good friends. The kind who can tell you when you’re being too reckless, even for them, to hang out with. The kind who know the whole ugly truth but love you anyway, because they just do. 

Love,

Someone Who Cares

Today was for standin’ in the kitchen, cryin’ at a Country song, while makin’ lasagna – one for my family and one for a friend’s. It snuck up on me. That song about fathers and daughters. Caught me unaware and ill prepared as it took me back through all those early years. I didn’t know those tears were waitin’, hoverin’ beneath the surface. Some days are just like that. One lasagna delivered with garlic bread and salad for the sides. One lasagna is in the oven. Ours. And those damn dishes are waitin’ in the sink. The day is still young. I’ll do ‘em…soon. ~ Janean

October 3, 2012

it’s a day for words

I woke up with words in my head.
Not just one or two.
More than a few.
That now one year old pup obliged a bit, when he closed his eyes for awhile longer…
But it wasn’t enough time.
As my brain was wakin’ up and the words were kickin’ so was the rest of the household.
ACK!
NO!
The muse is fleeting.
The time is now!
Will try to catch the tail of it and hang on to the thought before it goes fleeting by.
But the clock is ticking.
Time is flyin’.
And soon I will be too.
Out the door, drivin’ from here to there, over yonder and back again, while a ticker tape of words, stories, poems and snippets of thoughts parade through my head.
I am not A Crazy Person.
And really, so what if I am?!
I am a writer.
A writer damn it.
And words are what I know.
~ Janean

September 28, 2012

The car
I think it’s time to let her go
I/we need a safe newer vehicle that we trust outside the city limits on the highway
The air is broken and it’s been hot this summer
Power locks busted long ago and it’s not worth repair costs
Even if we fixed her and parked her until My oldest son was 15 or 16, in three more years I’d worry about her safety
And his
The air bag light is blinking
It’s time
It’s just not easy
To let her go
She’s been my car for 13 1/2 years
That’s a long damn time to drive a car
She’s been A Good One
One of the best
My fifth car since I turned sixteen
Twenty four and a half years ago
Now it’s time to figure out
What’s next?!
~ Janean

August 6, 2012

The 4-H Report

Entomology is all the way done. He did the activity in his project book yesterday and the insects are arranged in the cases.

We made the stingray pattern for non-clothing fleece yesterday – it’s a visual art class, not a sewing one. I’m making the first stingray to test the pattern and see how the (forgive me) damn thing goes together.

His Write A Book is special AND it’s a surprise. Getting closer…

Fudge we won’t make until the day before judging.

That’s four…
(or somewhere around the 20,000,000 mark)

Electricity is “in the works”. I have a shopping list from my father for my oldest son’s electricity project. My son and I will be sure to go together to buy those items before his Papa is back in town to build it.

A new international project one of his aunts is helping with. They brainstormed at the last fair to do the Philippines together this year. That’s where she’s from. It seemed like a good idea at the time…

Photography isn’t “hard”. I got the project book out yesterday to look over…just gotta do it!

Balsa airplanes is a bear. They are working on it…my amazingly patient husband and equally diligent sons. Both my boys are taking this one which means there is not just one, but two delicate balsa wood airplanes under construction in our basement. Did I mention projects are due the night before the fair on July 31?!

Rockets may be the one that’s dropped this year. We shall see. Eleven just feels like (at least) one too many.

Plastic models is close to being done…this one they started early, father and son, surely they will finish it soon. Maybe while the glue is drying on that mega balsa plane…

LEGOs is built. He just has a 3” x 5” card to do.

Gettin’ there…that’s all eleven, or 50,000,000 if you ask me. It’s 4-H countdown time. It’s 4-H project crunch time. Fourth year with my oldest and the first for my youngest (who wisely chose five projects which are practically all complete). This too shall pass.

~ Janean
(I was a ten year 4-H’er from age eight to seventeen, so it sort of runs in the family.)

Yesterday was for buying swimsuits. Today I am throwing away the remains of the last bag of jelly beans, after I save the black ones for my dad. I knew there was one more bag in the pantry and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I finally gave in to temptation. Notice the yellow ones are all gone. Not too many orange ones either. This after I’d already snitched ‘em all out of my sons candy bags. Yes, my name is Janean, and I have a jelly bean problem. It ends today. It has to. Damn. Cause I really love jelly beans, but not the sugar laden calories that I must begin counting. Soon. Double damn. ~ Janean

P.S. THIS is my 500th post on Tumblr! Something had to be. Might as well be a frustrated I don’t want to be a diligent dieter saga about one of the most beloved Easter candies of all, the colorful, oblong, jelly bean. I am wooed and wowed by their pretty colors. I admit they dazzle me with their artificial flavors. Purple = Grape, Yellow = Lemon, Orange = orange (easy one), White = Vanilla, Pink = Berry, Red = Cherry, Black = Black Licorice, Green = Not My Favorite and I Don’t Know