my heart aches
silent tears fall
like the leaves
from the trees
in autumn
October 27, 2012
my heart aches
silent tears fall
like the leaves
from the trees
in autumn
October 27, 2012
Dear Reckless Girl,
You met my husband yesterday at work. He was on patrol, so that’s not necessarily a good thing. He told me about you, in the late afternoon stillness of our house, on a Sunday afternoon. No names. No identifying data. That’d be confidential and it still is.
I’d been sort of napping, while the dog woofed, the phone rang and the children were next door, at the neighbors. I kept my eyes closed as he told about how you were woken up rather abruptly on Sunday morning, after a wild night of partying with college boys, yet you’re still in high school.
I listened. I heard. I thought back to over 20 years ago. Some things never change. Damn it. Why can’t they change for the better?!
Why can’t teenage girls, with a woman’s body and a girl’s heart, have enough self esteem and strength of character to resist this cycle of drinkin’, flirtin’ and gettin’ naked when the weekend rolls around?! Today’s Monday, and you’ll be sittin’ pretty in your high school honors classes, perhaps whisperin’, grinnin’ and gigglin’ with your best friend about your wild child escapades.
Next weekend will be much of the same. It’s a cycle. An ugly one. A hurtful one. It hurts on the inside, where no one can see. You’re hurting yourself, not those you are rebelling against. You. You’re hurting you.
What seems so fun in the moment is just a temporary escape. The dark of night only lasts so long, to hide your secret self. In morning’s light you’re still you, with effects from the night before lingering as a reminder.
You did those things. Now, face yourself in the mirror. That’s right, look into your eyes. Yep. There it is. Just as I thought. Hurt and brokenness, covered up with sass and feigned bravado.
I don’t know your name. You don’t know mine. But I know your teenage heart that yearns for true love, and your mixed up head that’s so smart in book learnin’ durin’ the week and so foolish in choices made on the weekend. Some things never change. Damn it.
It’s up to you. You have to break the cycle. Oh, it won’t be now. You’re having too much fun…or so you think. But someday, instead of drinkin’ until you’re so trashed you don’t care who you get busy with, you’ll meet him. And odds are good that it won’t be at a bar or a drinkin’ party. He’ll love you for your head and heart and well, as a bonus he’ll think you’re kinda sexy too.
For now, just think about it. I hope you have good friends. The kind who can tell you when you’re being too reckless, even for them, to hang out with. The kind who know the whole ugly truth but love you anyway, because they just do.
Love,
Someone Who Cares
In one of the bedtime story collections my children have from long ago was this prayer, “I see the moon and the moon sees me. God bless the moon and God bless me.” I often think of it, and whisper it aloud, especially when the moon is glowing big and bright, sometimes by day, but usually at night. ~ Janean
September 30, 2012

I’m enjoying the pouring rain
as the clouds let loose
and water pours from heaven
today has had a bit of everything
gray sky moody broody
blue sky with wisps of white clouds
sun shining
sun hiding
sunglasses on
sunglasses atop my head
sunglasses tossed aside
for the rain is pouring down
my mood has varied like the weather
not always neatly aligned
tears while sun was shining
laughter in the rain
today has had a bit of everything
my heart aches
my chest is tight
it’s just one of those days
I’m enjoying the pouring rain
September 21, 2012

I have turquoise toes
adorned with sparkly flowers
a gift from my mother
pedicures for the three of us
my mom, my sister and I
Girl Time
The Best Kind
with smiles, laughter filled conversation and love all around
the pampering was nice too
mmmmmm, needed that
more than I knew
I don’t recognize these feet as mine
for my toe nails were naked all summer
no time to paint ‘em
let alone time to be still
and have them done
a mother’s love
a woman who knows her daughters better than we know ourselves
so thankful for them both
my mother and my sister
both big pieces
of my heart
September 13, 2012
my sister texted me this morning
a note about her oldest son being back home in Arizona, from his two month visit home to Illinois, where he stayed and played with his grandma and papa, aunts, uncles and cousins too, over summer break
she wrote, “Kids were elated to have him home. It felt great to all be under one roof again.”
I replied:
All is well
As it should be
The missing piece of your heart puzzle back in place
I’m so glad
For all of you
Hugs and love
she replied, “That is exactly the way I felt to… Kinda off all summer and just felt complete. It was so fun watching all three kids walk inside the house together with smiles.”
then she added, “I love u so much Janean.”
making my heart squeeze and my throat close and my eyes water because Arizona feels really far away today.
August 3, 2012
I made a few deliveries
Smiles all around
Hearts touched
Spirits lifted
Love,
Janean
July 27, 2012

We had some more rain this evening followed by the biggest, brightest, most beautiful rainbow I’ve ever seen stretch across several houses that face my own backyard. I looked for a rainbow such as this all last summer. A sign from God that He keeps His promises. The significance of seeing a rainbow today, tonight, after a brief rainstorm, is that the printed copies of my oldest son’s book arrived today. The one he wrote for 4-H. The one that honors his father and the fight he’s been fighting for over a year now. The title is, “On May 25”. It’s a beaut of a little book that also honors the Lord as my twelve year old shares his heart, faith, belief in the power of prayer and the comfort that comes from the prayers of many for our family during this difficult time. My heart was already dancing, soaring and flying. This rainbow, a double rainbow, was an unexpected gift. SO BIG! SO BEAUTIFUL! Praying this new type of chemotherapy works. Praying for complete healing from stage four cancer. Praying to weather this storm with my family of four intact for many years to come. Thank you, God, for the reminder that You are there. Always. From the dark of night to the glow of sunrise, until the sun sets once more, and sometimes, the most special of times, You are in the translucent glow of a rainbow in a perfectly formed half circle.
~ Janean
July 26, 2012